I’ve never considered myself a truly selfish person. At least not one to act on selfish desires or do things for my own personal gain at the expense of others. Sure, I’m selfish in the way we all are, as members of the human race – I feel envy, anger, and occasionally want to rip someone’s head off. I secretly hope I’ll get the best parking spot, first place in line, more money, nicer clothes, and be popular. And yes, I’m one of “those” honkers on the road…sometimes.
In spite of those feelings though, I generally am a giving person, and put others’ needs above my own, and for as long as I can remember I have felt almost desperate to please others and gain approval. There’s a joke (for good reason) in my family that I “do whatever I want.” In actuality, I’ve never made any major life decision without feeling a deep sense of conviction and confidence to do so, and have always wanted to shine in the eyes of my family and friends and make them proud.
When I got separated from my now ex-husband a few years ago, people kept telling me to focus on myself, and do things for me. Some people even used the term selfish, “you know, in a good way…” to encourage me how to make decisions or spend my time. So I did. I did things for me, things that felt good. I watched the shows I wanted to watch, read books, took naps (when I could, which was rare), asked for people to watch my kids so I could go out to movies, and out on the weekends and let loose like I’d never been able to before. I certainly took care of my children, but I did everything in my power to look out for number one.
For the most part, I didn’t do anything particularly reckless, dangerous, or hurtful, but I will say looking back that at some point I crossed the line of the “good” kind of selfish to the “bad” kind. I have watched this in the lives of several friends as well, and learned lessons from both my own poor decisions as well as theirs.
Here’s what I know to be sure: There are some things you just don’t do. Ever. There are lines you don’t cross, ones that you don’t even go near, and ones you run like hell from. You know where they are. I don’t need to tell you. They are almost always the ones that involve secrets, lies, half-truths, and things that don’t really seem like a bad decision at the time. Often these lines surround choices that in and of themselves truly aren’t wrong…but they’ll cost you. And I can tell you they’re not worth the price you'll pay.
You can always trust the Avett Brothers to tell it like it is,
The weight of lies will bring you down, and follow you to every town, ‘cause nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there. So when you run make sure you run to something and not away from, ‘cause lies don’t need an airplane to chase you down. Mmm-hmmmm….
Chorus from The Weight of Lies, from the album Emotionalism
Then there’s Paul, who said in the New Testament,
Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial.
1 Corinthians 6:12
You can “do what you want,” but at some point you’ll have to answer for your choices, in this life and the next, and often cleaning up the pieces after time goes by is brutal. Everything has consequences, and there is no way to be selfish in a way that only affects you. As humans we are inherently connected to the people around us, especially our family, children, spouses. The choices you make WILL affect them whether you like it or not. Make sure they're good ones, ones that bring benefit to those you love.
I have found myself in a place of sorting through the last few years and finding true healing and peace in reconciling my past with my present. I own everything, all my choices good and bad. There are a couple of things I wish I could take back, but I’m thankful for a time of discovery and focusing on myself in a way that makes me confident that I know who I am and what I want.
I want peace, honesty, truth, family, true friends, a giving heart, and Jesus. And while I still hold firm to the flight attendant’s instructions that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before tending to your children, I know now that doesn’t mean you just think about yourself all the time and disregard the needs of others.
I’m done being selfish and looking out for number one and I’m ready to start walking the right line.
We came for salvation
We came for family
We came for all that's good that's how we'll walk away
We came to break the bad
We came to cheer the sad
We came to leave behind the world a better way
Salvation Song by The Avett Brothers
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